July has been a month of "firsts." (A pattern I imagine will continue for the remainder of 2018. Or forever. Hard to pinpoint.)
Two weeks ago, I packed up the car and drove Ingrid and myself down to visit my sister-in-law in Philadelphia, which doesn't seem like a big deal (because it isn't) but to me it actually was. I'm stupidly proud that I did this. Clocking in at around seven hours, it was the longest solo road trip I've taken with Ingrid.
I know, I know. People do these kinds of things all the time. But I don't. So I'm rather pleased that I did and also that I managed to squeeze in generous portions of ice cream, pizza, and a Philly cheesesteak into one day.
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| Happy 4th of July!!! |
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| Ready to explore the Please Touch Museum |
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| Philadelphia's Magic Gardens |
I also attended my first wedding without a date this month and it was awesome. Not the going-without-a-date part, but the wedding was beautiful and it was nice to not feel sad for a whole evening. Parts of that day did make me miss Paul, but being surrounded by such joy with people that I love: it's what life is all about.
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| I've been friends with these ladies for over 25 years. Just lucky that way. |
Last week I packed up the car again for a week-long camping trip with my siblings. I've never done anything remotely like this before and I didn't know how it would go, but like no one got poison ivy or eaten by a bear so I'm calling it a mild success. Paul would have been so proud.
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| I'm so sorry for this, but you know I have to say it: Ithaca. Is. GORGES. |
It's strange to make plans and go on trips without Paul. I want to keep moving forward, to keep living, to show Ingrid every damn beautiful thing on Earth. And I will, only sometimes doing the things that Paul loved to do makes me ache for something I can never get back. Whether it's hiking up a ravine or exploring a new city or dancing to Whitney Houston at my oldest friend's wedding—I just miss sharing those things with the person I loved most in the world.
I don't want you guys to get sick of me talking about Paul and how much I miss him and how sad I am. But I'm pretty sure I get a free pass to be melancholic for, what, a year at least? Or more probably for life. There's no manual for this stuff.
Anyway, I'll keep on keeping on because it's the very least I owe to Ingrid, who whispered to me in bed last night: "Mom, I want to be just like you." (Yes, she's usurped Paul's side of the bed and I am totally fine with it.) So the only option here is to keep showing my little dove how to be strong and brave and resilient and bold. Which, truthfully, isn't much of a challenge since she's already pretty extraordinary on her own.
xoxo,
Liz
No manual indeed. And we aren't going to get sick of you writing about your truths. Keep on keepin' on. Thanks for the post. I've been thinking about you. Great photos too!
ReplyDeleteThank you Nancy!
DeleteHere’s to many firsts . There is no time limit on grief . My grandma has been gone almost 10 years and I busted out crying like a baby just a few days ago because I missed her so much .
ReplyDeleteOne of my sister-in-laws told me "I don't want to get over Paul." And I totally agree: our grief may become easier to bear, but it will never go away, not completely. And that's ok - I want to always feel something for Paul.
DeleteYou are amazing, Liz! And we keep on praying that, one day at a time, this journey will get easier. We have no doubt that Paul's spirit is close, and no doubt, guiding you to a healing place.
ReplyDeleteThank you Luanne! I feel Paul close to my heart all the time.
Delete5yrs this July that my dad passed away..passed strange word because it seems like a minute ago to us. The pain is real, it sucks and helps but you are strong! She is stronger beciof both of you.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry about your father. The pain is certainly hard to bear at times, but we'll keep moving forward.
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