Turns out radiation leaves me wrecked, and I am running on loooow batteries, friends. Anything not required for basic survival is...just not happening. Including writing. And probably mailing out Christmas cards. Which, normally, are two activities that give me quite a lot of pleasure. Now, they just look like work.
I am trying to give myself the grace to NOT do things. And to not feel bad about not doing things. (Which ERMAHGERD, is so much harder than it should be!)
Can We Stop Glorifying Busy, Already?!
Ever feel like being busy is the modern equivalent of “living life to the fullest?” We’re obsessed with being busy. It’s in vogue.
It’s also a drag.
Look at the way we talk—autopilot kicks on when people ask about our weekend—“It was good, just busy.” We don’t even notice ourselves saying it because it’s become such an ingrained dimension of how we interpret our worth. If we say we’re busy, we must be productive. If we’re productive, we must be worthwhile.
I say it. All the time! Even when I KNOW I haven’t done a bloody thing for five consecutive days. As if declaring my busyness proves, cancer be damned, I am STILL a contributing member of society.
After my morning treatment, one of the techs will often ask about my plans for the rest of the day. I’m weirdly relieved when I have a number of errands I can rattle off. Or a family outing.
Today I had nothing. Literally, nothing. And I was bizarrely embarrassed to admit that.
“So—any plans for today?”
“Nope. Um. Nope. Nothing. Just going home. To. Rest?”
“Nope. Um. Nope. Nothing. Just going home. To. Rest?”
Inside, of course, I was thrilled to finally have a day with nothing I had to do. Thrilled and ashamed.
This time of year, especially, we run around like chickens with our heads cut off, and we’re happy to do it because it makes us feel important and needed and valuable. We wear our busyness like some twisted badge of honor. But—
How exactly does running ourselves ragged contribute to our well-being?
It doesn’t. It makes us stressed and miserable. I don’t want to be stressed and miserable.
And I’m not talking about our jobs or taking care of our kids or any of the things we HAVE to do. You should probably keep doing those things. But that doesn't mean you can't give yourself the space to just do...nothing. (It's really ok!)
Good Things Happen When We Stop Trying To Do It All
When we’re not distracted by a relentless flurry of activity, something really cool happens: we connect, we reflect, and we grow. Three things I'd wager that are more important (and fun and pleasurable) than an overbooked planner.
When we slow down and eliminate even just a little of our self-imposed busyness—that’s when most of our so-called “a-ha” moments occur. Stepping off the hamster wheel gives us clarity. It lets us enjoy the things we insist are important—leisurely moments with the people we love, watching our children delight in nature, a rich inner life.
I don’t like to credit cancer with enriching my life (cancer didn’t make me grow—I did) but treatments did force me to reevaluate how I spend my time and energy. There were moments in the last year when I felt like I was juggling a dozen swords and flaming torches while balancing on a unicycle. I was exhausted and frazzled.
But I think it's safe to blame a lot of my exhaustion and general frazzledness on activities I didn’t NEED to do. (that and chemo running through my veins. But mindless busyness, mostly.)
Here's the thing. There is value and opportunity for growth in the moments when our busyness comes to a screeching halt. I know that sounds like the advice you’d get from a bearded, blissed-out mountain guru, but I stand by it.
A few years ago, Tim Kreider wrote a hugely popular and insightful article called “The ‘Busy’ Trap” for the New York Times. In it he says:
“Idleness is not just a vacation, an indulgence or a vice; it is as indispensable to the brain as vitamin D is to the body, and deprived of it we suffer a mental affliction as disfiguring as rickets. The space and quiet that idleness provides is a necessary condition for standing back from life and seeing it whole, for making unexpected connections and waiting for the wild summer lightning strikes of inspiration—it is, paradoxically, necessary to getting any work done.”
You are not a loser for taking it easy today. Relaxing doesn't make you a failure. You’re not less ambitious or dull or pathetic if you want to check out for the afternoon. And. Just. Do. Nothing.
Do you ever feel pressure to fill your days with busyness?
Do you feel guilty or lazy when you aren’t busy? Like you should be finding something productive to do with your time?
Or do you consciously try to set aside time for just “being” instead of “doing?”
Really interesting the way you refer to how cancer didn't make you grow, but at the same time it caused you to understand the gift of time and energy more so. It is just SO ODD sometimes the things we discover in the midst of grief and extreme events. I think that might shape our worldview or perspective more than anything else. And it is rad that you shared this because I always need to be reminded to slow down and breathe. Because every time that conscious effort is made, I never regret it. Instead, it is something that is relished.
ReplyDeleteTotally. There's nothing wrong with this, it's just how some people process and talk about cancer...but I never really felt like cancer "made me a better person" or "made me stronger" etc. I was kinda an alright person before cancer came into the mix, right?! ha, but there is something to be said about our hardships - sometimes they're just hard and we don't learn anything from them. BUT sometimes we do.
DeleteMaybe this post was just my attempt at trying to make myself feel better about not having energy to do anything anymore. It feels grosssss.
Well, for starters.. you were more than "kinda alright" to me pre-cancer. But we'll save that debate for another time. I almost wonder if this need for some people to state "[insert whatever] made me a better a person" comes from an innate human need to define and categorize events in our lives into understandable boxes. Nothing wrong with it by any means, but sometimes life is just filled with random ways that we get hurt or destroyed. Can't always point or needle out exactly why it happened. Maybe that is a bit of nihilism but nihilism actually makes me feel more alive and willing to accept what I cannot change etc. etc.
DeleteI wish I could just bottle up some of my excess energy for you, throw it in a lame gift bag, and leave it in front of your fireplace. But maybe it would just explode though. I dunno. Ha. Love you.