15 Tweets That Will Make You Laugh If Your Life Is A Trainwreck

Are you on Twitter? I've only been hanging out there since the summer. For months, I felt like a stranger in a strange land. I still feel like the gangly tween at the party, but I don't care because Twitter is where all the hilarious, raucous kids hang out and it makes me feel like maybe I could sit at their lunch table and, I don't know, trade friendship bracelets or something.

Basically, I swing by Twitter when I need a laugh. Take these with a huge grain of salt.


15 Tweets That Will Make You Laugh If Your Life Is A Trainwreck:

1.

Don't forget to pretend you're mentally stable today.

— Jedi Cheesy Gifts (@JediGigi) January 7, 2014

2.

*reluctantly signs reality check*

*adds "lame" to memo line*

— Alien Skier (@ClichedOut) September 27, 2017

3.

i just heard a guy at the coffee shop say he was doing ok and thought whatever, quit gloating

— silent schmox, holy schmox (@IvoryGazelle) October 5, 2017

4.

Sometimes I find a random screw lying around my house and I just assume it's from my life falling apart.

— 🔔MamaJingles🔔 (@MamaFizzles) June 18, 2017

5.

but let's pretend otherwise pic.twitter.com/4R0x5wdCD2

— m a ureen (@shoelessfornow) October 3, 2017

6.

Are things going well for me? Well, no.

But am I coping well, emotionally?

Also no.

— Erin Can't Even. (@Mom_Overboard) December 10, 2017

7.

*gets out of bed*
Me: I've already made everything 10x worse.

— Ray Pizzaface Jr. (@muyrando) November 10, 2017

8.

Friend: Have you tried doing things in a normal, correct way?
Me: No, that is not how I choose to live my life

— mindflakes (@_mindflakes) November 8, 2017

9.

*clicks follow on a Dogs Wearing Pajamas Instagram account*
Things are really starting to look up for me, I am taking action to bring positive change into my life

— Scroogepants Cher (@House_Feminist) November 14, 2017

10.

ANYONE: [gives me a compliment]

ME: [pulls out flowchart] you’re wrong, and here’s why

— Jill la Jill (@JillianKarger) November 21, 2017

11.

Much like snowflakes, no two panic attacks are exactly alike.

— liv. (@liv_thatsme) December 10, 2017

12.

The only time I feel in control of my life is when I'm operating that magic, every-flavor-in-the-universe soda dispenser at Burger King.

— Rob Cee (@TheRobCee) December 14, 2017

13.

[gets hit by a car]
DRIVER: oh my god, are you okay
ME: are any of us okay

— Born Miserable (@bornmiserable) December 11, 2017

14. 

It's not true that there's nothing to do in the winter. You can cry OR sleep

— Michael would like Nazis kicked off of this site. (@Home_Halfway) December 10, 2017

15.

Santa: What do you want for Christmas?

Me: To not feel broken and hopeless on the inside for once in my pathetic, lonely life

S:

M: Shoes

— Sasshole (@RidiculousSheri) December 11, 2014

I'd also like to take a moment to point out how hilarious and fantastic my friend Maureen is (note # 5). I know her in real life, and it's the greatest.

A few Ingrid-isms for posterity

I warned you about these. I'm a mom. I think everything my kid does is publishable material. Also, I had chemo today, so I'm protecting you from what would be an incoherent acid-trip-esque jumble of a post. Easier to just copy some sassy Ingrid quotes from my journal. Life is better this way.

A few nights ago, I was reading Ingrid a bedtime story. Mid-sentence, she clutches my thigh and blurts out with alarming enunciation: "You. Are. Fat." Paul is still stunned I have yet to embrace a strict diet of iceberg lettuce and water. 

Then this: In an unprovoked fit of rage, my delicate rose of a daughter threatened Paul with "I'm going to kill you—with boo-boos!" Probably, he was trying to change her diaper. Or give her dessert. Toddlers rarely make sense. 

And this morning: Ingrid struts into the bathroom with all the pomp that her 2-year-old self can muster. "Hey mommy. Remember me? I'm Ingrid."

"Um, yes. I remember you. You're the little devil who shattered my eyeshadow. Thanks for that, btw."
"Hey mommy. What's your deal?!?"

Things we say.